This winter, something dramatic happened to somebody close to me. Not only dramatic, but a matter of death, and not only close, but my own father. Here is his story:
I died on a Tuesday.
On the last day of November 2010 my heart stopped beating.
Repeatidly. I was given 15 defillibrations before the heart begun to beat by itself again.
It is horrifying to die. I actually was aware of myself falling dead. In my head I can still hear my own voice screaming: "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!"
Over and over again. I scream and scream and scream. Being so close to death is terrifying. It is so frightening it is literary beyond description, My vocabulary is not, not even in Swedish, enough to find the right words.
But, and this is important, fear is not all bad. Of course it is not pleasant, but it gives me all the motivation I need for a new lifestyle. This means I have quit smoking, I am eating healthier stuff (vegetables, fish and fruit is perfect - cream, butter, sugar is no no) and I have increased my workout to a totally new level, between 1,5 and 2,5 hours per day.
At the moment I have all the time I need for workout and recovery since I am still on leave from work. That will change from March when I start working again, at least part time.
I am one of all the Swedes who wine about Swedish tax levels. I pay about 40 percent of my salary in tax, which is close to the top level in the world.
But in my current situation it would be unfair to complain. When I was in hospital I payed about 12 USD per day for all the medical care and attention I needed. The actual cost to society for this specialized cardiac care is about 6000 USD per day.
I also receive payment from the state during the time i can not work. It is rather complicated to calculate the figures but bottom line is that I get about half of the normal income these first three months. On top of that our family get some money from insurances. So paying the regular bills and afford the normal life is pretty easy. But we have cut costs on luxury like restaurants and other spontaneous spending.
All in all my life will never be the same again, but that is not all bad. I will live a lot healthier and will appreciate life a lot more since I can not take staying alive for granted.
I am now given a second chance in life and since I am thereby living my second life I got to be wise as a very old man and entitled to give advice:
Enjoy life - it is a beautiful thing. Do not smoke - it does not let you live this beautiful thing.
09 February 2011
20 January 2011
I would walk 500 miles (or not)
I would lie if I told you that the best moment of todays hike from hell was something else jumping into the water afterwards (that by the way must have been at least 20 degrees celsius).
Although I did not really enjoy walking for what felt like an eternity with blisters on my feet, being so hot and exhausted that I was going to collapse any second, it was a really healthy experience.
What I did today showed me that in a way I can do anything if I tell myself to do it.
The last 500 metres of the walk, I did not have any power left at all, but I knew that if I sat down, I wouldn’t be able to make it.
Then I saw the miracle.
Water.
Sea.
I felt a slight breeze brush against my face, that was drenched in sunscreen and sweat, and I must say that it was the most beautiful breeze of my life.
With nothing but the knowledge of the sea being so close driving me further, I walked with new power. It was not a positive power, it was more like how a star will go brighter and bigger when it soon is time for it to die.
When I was on top of the sand dune, I took of my shoes and my socks. I did not care that I bursted and got sand in all the blisters.
On the way down I threw off my clothes, because, luckily, I was wearing my bikini underneath.
I just used the last breath I had to fall on my stomach into the water.
I could breathe now.
After relaxing in the water for a minute or so, I could actually see.
Of course, everything was just running around like Ussain Bolt setting the world record, but I now had a feeling of what was up and what was down.
I then saw that I almost threw my clothes on an old couple, solving crosswords in the sun.
The rest of my stay at the beach was probably the happiest beach visit I’ve had in my life.
This was also the first time I ever went into the Australian waters by my own will.
Although I did not really enjoy walking for what felt like an eternity with blisters on my feet, being so hot and exhausted that I was going to collapse any second, it was a really healthy experience.
What I did today showed me that in a way I can do anything if I tell myself to do it.
The last 500 metres of the walk, I did not have any power left at all, but I knew that if I sat down, I wouldn’t be able to make it.
Then I saw the miracle.
Water.
Sea.
I felt a slight breeze brush against my face, that was drenched in sunscreen and sweat, and I must say that it was the most beautiful breeze of my life.
With nothing but the knowledge of the sea being so close driving me further, I walked with new power. It was not a positive power, it was more like how a star will go brighter and bigger when it soon is time for it to die.
When I was on top of the sand dune, I took of my shoes and my socks. I did not care that I bursted and got sand in all the blisters.
On the way down I threw off my clothes, because, luckily, I was wearing my bikini underneath.
I just used the last breath I had to fall on my stomach into the water.
I could breathe now.
After relaxing in the water for a minute or so, I could actually see.
Of course, everything was just running around like Ussain Bolt setting the world record, but I now had a feeling of what was up and what was down.
I then saw that I almost threw my clothes on an old couple, solving crosswords in the sun.
The rest of my stay at the beach was probably the happiest beach visit I’ve had in my life.
This was also the first time I ever went into the Australian waters by my own will.
"Or I'll cave in"
I was sitting in the front of the bus, by myself since our seats were stolen. At least so I thought. Later I realized something really interesting. Why did it disturb me that somebody sat in a certain seat in the bus? It is not like we are assigned seats.
I think that it is an interesting phenomenon, and an amazing example of group psychology.
Let me explain what I mean. We choose our seats in the bus, and we are happy with them, and even if we are not happy with them, we will still accept where we are “supposed” to sit.
When somebody then comes along and then completely (from our point of view) comes and disturbs the order, we react strongly, since the person is not following the “rules”.
This made me feel ashamed that I wasn’t the one to disturb the peace and pattern that everybody was following, but then came to think of something. Do we really need to rebel all the time? And question everything? I mean, there is so many things in the world that are wrong, that sometimes I get tired of questioning. Especially since it is not really socially appreciated.
I mean, is it worth it?
“sqeeeeeeeeeek!” I was brutally grabbed out of my train of thoughts and deep philosophies when our ever so jolly global studies teacher (no names mentioned) “accidentally” held the microphone too close to the speaker so that it
We got out of the bus to head for todays adventures which was
*drumroll*
caves!
The caves were really beautiful and the guide had many interesting things to tell us. When they told us it was time to leave, it felt way to early, I felt like there was so much more to know.
One really interesting thing about the caves was when the guide turned the lights off.
It was completely black, you could not see anything at all. I imagine that is what it would be like to become blind after an accident.
The interesting part was how everybody reacted to this.
People couldn’t stay still, everybody had to touch each other, and people couldn’t be quiet.
I believe that the reason for this is the fact that humans are such control freaks. We need to know what is going on around us to be able to feel safe, and when we then loose one of our senses, we have to use what we have left.
Opening the door to the caves to get out was like being smashed in the head.
It was so bright, it was so warm, it was so humid, it was so loud, it was so..
much.
When you let your senses rest for a while, and then wake them up is a really strong experience.
I recommend for everybody to do that every once in while, just to get an understanding of how much we actually use our senses every day.
I think that it is an interesting phenomenon, and an amazing example of group psychology.
Let me explain what I mean. We choose our seats in the bus, and we are happy with them, and even if we are not happy with them, we will still accept where we are “supposed” to sit.
When somebody then comes along and then completely (from our point of view) comes and disturbs the order, we react strongly, since the person is not following the “rules”.
This made me feel ashamed that I wasn’t the one to disturb the peace and pattern that everybody was following, but then came to think of something. Do we really need to rebel all the time? And question everything? I mean, there is so many things in the world that are wrong, that sometimes I get tired of questioning. Especially since it is not really socially appreciated.
I mean, is it worth it?
“sqeeeeeeeeeek!” I was brutally grabbed out of my train of thoughts and deep philosophies when our ever so jolly global studies teacher (no names mentioned) “accidentally” held the microphone too close to the speaker so that it
We got out of the bus to head for todays adventures which was
*drumroll*
caves!
The caves were really beautiful and the guide had many interesting things to tell us. When they told us it was time to leave, it felt way to early, I felt like there was so much more to know.
One really interesting thing about the caves was when the guide turned the lights off.
It was completely black, you could not see anything at all. I imagine that is what it would be like to become blind after an accident.
The interesting part was how everybody reacted to this.
People couldn’t stay still, everybody had to touch each other, and people couldn’t be quiet.
I believe that the reason for this is the fact that humans are such control freaks. We need to know what is going on around us to be able to feel safe, and when we then loose one of our senses, we have to use what we have left.
Opening the door to the caves to get out was like being smashed in the head.
It was so bright, it was so warm, it was so humid, it was so loud, it was so..
much.
When you let your senses rest for a while, and then wake them up is a really strong experience.
I recommend for everybody to do that every once in while, just to get an understanding of how much we actually use our senses every day.
jag har inga ord för det för att vi andas, tänker, känner samma sak
Just nu sitter jag i rummet på ett jättemysigt motel med havsutsikt. Med en tekokare i rummet och såna där små förpackningar med H-mjölk i kylen har jag en lång stund för mig själv eftersom mina rumskompisar har gått på en promenad.
Det finns inget bättre sätt att äta frukost än hotellfrukost med några av sina bästa kompisar.
Det finns också få lektioner som är lika intressanta som att ha en expert på echidnor
berätta om sitt livs arbete med dem i deras naturliga habitat .
Att se en koala på vägen är häller inte så tråkigt.
Dock så är nog det bästa att bo utan vuxen i sitt rum och hoppa i sängen och bara let yourself go, have a total rampage med sin rumskompis till My Chemical Romances “Teenagers”.
Dock kan jag inte undgå från att tänka på alla er, mina svenska kompisar, hur gärna jag skulle vilja att ni upplevde och kunde dela all den här glädjen med er.
Ni vet inte hur mycket jag saknar er.
Idag satt jag nämligen på verandan och tittade ut över himlen när den ändrade färg.
Till Mandi - Tänk inte på framtiden, njut av nuet.
Till Nono - Fortsätt vara galen! Utan din flummighet skulle världen vara mycket gråare.
Till Ebbs - Bry dig inte om vad andra tycker om dig!
Till *no name mentioned* Fuck you (no grudges held).
Till alla andra fantastiska, underbara och vackra människor (hihi Jäni jag tog dina ord)
Jag älskar er, jag saknar er så att mitt hjärta brister (Saga, Isak, Nora, Siri - listan skulle ta hundra tusen år och jag skulle ändå glömma någon)
Men ni vet vilka ni är. Ni vet att alla ord ni sagt att jag inte ska föra vidare stannar i min famn. Ni vet att alla minnen finns kvar hos mig, alla gånger vi tagit en fika, alla gånger vi har hängt i Vasaparken. Alla gånger vi har gått till Etiopiska kaféer vid st. Eriksplan
Alla gånger vi lyssnat på “It never rains on alex” tillsammans.
Alla gånger vi krossat tomater i väskan på Mando Diaos konsert.
Alla gånger vi spottat på bron till slottet (inga namn nämnda).
Alla gånger vi planerat att begå dramatiska självmord tillsammans med en lapp med våra kärastes namn i fickan, så att de skulle förstå hur mycket vi älskade dem.
Alla gånger vi har bakat cupcakes, eller lagat macaroni ‘n’ cheese över skype och misslyckats totalt.
Alla gånger vi förväntansfullt stått i kön till birkadiscot.
Alla gånger vi skrattat utan anledning.
Alla gånger jag insett att jag upskattar dig för precis den du är.
14 January 2011
Don't forget!
Dont forget my parallell (I have no idea how to spell that at one am in the morning) blog!
http://streetlightsandnightskies.blogspot.com/
http://streetlightsandnightskies.blogspot.com/
08 January 2011
I am not a piece of dirt!
Let me just tell you this before you keep on reading; heights not only scare me, they scare the.. err.. let’s say feces since this is for a public blog.
This day started like any other day. Me and my classmates doing morning yoga to greet the sun, putting on sunscreen and chill on the floor in my room listening to Bob Marley.
But it was not any other day. This was going to be a day when my heart was going beat about twice the amount of beats it does in a normal day.
When the ferry arrived in Sydney I saw it.
There it stood in all it’s magnificence, all it’s glory.
All its enormousness.
And it was going to get worse. How big I thought it was when I stood on the ground was nothing compared to what I was going to see when I was up at the top.
I was actually going to climb the Sydney harbor bridge.
We got all the safetygear on and my breath was getting faster and faster, but the staff was really nice and seemed to have experience with acrophobia.
When we were all strapped in and clipped to the stairs it was time to go.
One step.
Another step.
Don’t look down.
Do NOT look down.
And of course, I looked down. I felt nauseous and I felt how my jaw started to ache.
The path we were walking was called a runway. I could see why. Models are nauseous with hunger on the runways, I was nauseous with fear. I laughed at my silly little comparison in my head. It wasn’t really a very joyful laughter as you might understand.
As we kept on walking we came higher and higher.
When we reached the asphalt and the cars, I felt a lot better. It was almost like standing on solid ground again!
Then I realized something amazing. The arch we were walking on was made out of two meter wide solid steel.
The relief that I felt was like when you drink a chai latté on a really cold day, it warmed me all the way down to the stomach.
It was just solid stairs from here. The group I was walking with was great, and so so was the tourguide. He was able to keep our spirits up even though we were exhausted from all the steps.
After what felt like at least twenty thousand steps later, we were at the top.
It was high.
Really high.
High like a bunch of hippies at Woodstock 69’.
But I was happy.
Happy like a bunch of hippies at Woodstock 69’.
I felt like nothing could stop me. I was on top of the world. The best feeling was when a helicopter flew by and was about as high up in the air as we were.
It was the perfect moment for some Queen.
I wonder if me and A’ntonia were the first ones to sing “We are the champions” on top of the sydney harbor bridge. I don’t think so though, because it was so perfect for the moment.
What we probably were the first ones to do is the oompaa loompaa dance on the way down.
Once we were down, I was very proud of myself. I never thought that I was going to make it, and to be really honest, I had my moments when all I wanted to do was to turn around and walk back down. But I didn’t. Because, as Jonathan Lionheart says:
“There are things in life that you just have to do, otherwise you are not a human, just a little piece of dirt”.
This day started like any other day. Me and my classmates doing morning yoga to greet the sun, putting on sunscreen and chill on the floor in my room listening to Bob Marley.
But it was not any other day. This was going to be a day when my heart was going beat about twice the amount of beats it does in a normal day.
When the ferry arrived in Sydney I saw it.
There it stood in all it’s magnificence, all it’s glory.
All its enormousness.
And it was going to get worse. How big I thought it was when I stood on the ground was nothing compared to what I was going to see when I was up at the top.
I was actually going to climb the Sydney harbor bridge.
We got all the safetygear on and my breath was getting faster and faster, but the staff was really nice and seemed to have experience with acrophobia.
When we were all strapped in and clipped to the stairs it was time to go.
One step.
Another step.
Don’t look down.
Do NOT look down.
And of course, I looked down. I felt nauseous and I felt how my jaw started to ache.
The path we were walking was called a runway. I could see why. Models are nauseous with hunger on the runways, I was nauseous with fear. I laughed at my silly little comparison in my head. It wasn’t really a very joyful laughter as you might understand.
As we kept on walking we came higher and higher.
When we reached the asphalt and the cars, I felt a lot better. It was almost like standing on solid ground again!
Then I realized something amazing. The arch we were walking on was made out of two meter wide solid steel.
The relief that I felt was like when you drink a chai latté on a really cold day, it warmed me all the way down to the stomach.
It was just solid stairs from here. The group I was walking with was great, and so so was the tourguide. He was able to keep our spirits up even though we were exhausted from all the steps.
After what felt like at least twenty thousand steps later, we were at the top.
It was high.
Really high.
High like a bunch of hippies at Woodstock 69’.
But I was happy.
Happy like a bunch of hippies at Woodstock 69’.
I felt like nothing could stop me. I was on top of the world. The best feeling was when a helicopter flew by and was about as high up in the air as we were.
It was the perfect moment for some Queen.
I wonder if me and A’ntonia were the first ones to sing “We are the champions” on top of the sydney harbor bridge. I don’t think so though, because it was so perfect for the moment.
What we probably were the first ones to do is the oompaa loompaa dance on the way down.
Once we were down, I was very proud of myself. I never thought that I was going to make it, and to be really honest, I had my moments when all I wanted to do was to turn around and walk back down. But I didn’t. Because, as Jonathan Lionheart says:
“There are things in life that you just have to do, otherwise you are not a human, just a little piece of dirt”.
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